The "Body's Betrayal:" Understanding Arousal Non-Concordance

Originally published via Medium.com on November 6, 2022

Photo Credit: Ivan Stern, via Unsplash

DISCLAIMER/TW: The following article will eventually refer to legal cases involving rape/sexual violence in non-graphic language. However, as as survivor myself, I reassure you that I will do my best to share these experiences as mindfully as possible.

In fact, this article contains information within it that will, I hope, not only lend peace of mind to several survivors but also serve as a powerful tool for us moving forward in understanding our bodies and in defending ourselves from a system that, unfortunately, understands next to nothing about them.

In her TedTalk, The Truth About Unwanted Arousal, Dr. Emily Nagoski tells the story about a woman trying out a kinky power play scene for the first time. In a bit of predicament play, the Dom had tied the woman’s arms above her head and had her straddling a metal bar. Afterwards, he had just kind of left her there for a bit, naked from the waist-down and… she was feeling pretty bored. When he came back, she told him as much, only for him to peer down at the bar between her legs, scoff and reply, “If you’re so bored, then why are you wet?”

So, what’s the deal? Was the Submissive wrong? Was she actually turned on, or is there something else we’re missing here?

See, there’s an incredibly common, yet harmful, misconception found in our widely adopted narrative of sex. That being, if your body shows signs of arousal, then you must be aroused. If your vulva is wet or your penis erect, then you must like whatever is going on. Or, on the other side of the coin: if your body isn’t responding to whatever’s happening, then you must not be into it.

Unfortunately, when we first start to learn about our sexual bodies, we’re often taught to expect that they will respond in certain, predictable ways. We’re taught to use the body’s reaction as this barometer of excitement without realizing that it doesn’t always reflect what’s really going on behind the scenes where it matters: in the mind.

Physiological vs. Psychological Arousal

What’s happening here is that there is a correlation being drawn between physiological and psychological arousal. But, as any good scientist knows, “Correlation does not equal causation.” And, while these two dimensions of arousal can most certainly agree with one another on many an occasion, extensive peer-reviewed research has shown that, not only is this often notthe case — but the level of discrepancy between the two is quite significant.

The textbook, Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality, explains that sexuality “involves the interrelationship of biological, psychological, and sociocultural dimensions.” These dimensions are independently, yet cooperatively, influencing us at all times. Moreover, they constantly fluctuate, change, and adapt according to time, place, the body’s health, and other factors.

Now, the two areas of note here are the Biological (Physiological) and the Psychological. The text goes on to explain that “the biological dimension of our sexuality involves . . . the development of physical sexual characteristics; our responses to sexual stimulation; our ability to reproduce or to control fertility; and our growth and development in general.” The responses referred to here are the reflexive, physiological reactions of the body, specifically. This is where Physical Arousal lives.

The psychological dimension deals with the cognitive experience, or rather, how we mentally process our arousal. This is were we find Psychological Arousal. What turns us on conceptually? A good example I can think of for this sensation is what happens when you’re reading erotica, looking at porn, or fantasizing. Unless you’ve already begun to masturbate, there is technically no physical stimulation happening, but your mind becomes aroused.

Sometimes, the body follows suite! You may start to feel tingling sensations, and then perhaps the physiological response deepens, sending blood rushing to your erogenous zones. If you have a penis, this might result in an erection; those with vulvas may start to lubricate.

But, say you’re reading said erotica or watching said porn and it gets you going, so mentally you’re aroused and raring to go. The desire is definitely there! But, when you go for the ol’ reach-n-diddle, you realize your genitals don’t seem to have been paying attention. Even after further coaxing, they’re still not on board.

For those with erectile dysfunction, this scenario sounds all-too-familiar. The mind is willin’ but the body is chillin’. It’s a great source of frustration, and sometimes this frustration can spread, as the sexual partner can feel like they’re not desirable enough to inspire an arousal response. This often leads to feelings of shame and inadequacy which can have a significant impact on our relationship with our sex, our partners, and ourselves.

Similarly, several of my colleagues have shared stories about female clients who describe being incredibly turned on, even experiencing orgasms, only to reach down and find that they’re barely lubricated or “wet” at all!

So, what’s the deal with this disconnect between body and mind? Are we broken? Is there something wrong with us or our libidos?

Photo credit: Sander Sammy, via Unsplash

The good news is that you’re perfectly fine and that this experience is not only normal, but incredibly common!

You see, society has perpetuated this myth that physical and psychological arousal are the same creature, or at the very least that they’re conjoined twins that always ride along together, but again: that’s not the case.

A meta-analysis of several experiments dealing with arousal concordance (or subjective-genital agreement) found that,

“Subjective experience (or self-report) and genital measures of sexual arousal do not always agree….Examples of low subjective-genital agreement abound in both clinical and academic sexology. Some men report feeling sexual arousal without concomitant genital changes (Rieger, Chivers, & Bailey, 2005) and experimental manipulations can increase penile erection without affecting subjective reports of sexual arousal (Bach, Brown, & Barlow, 1999; Janssen & Everaerd, 1993).”

Basically, when it comes to being turned on, what people are experiencing in their minds doesn’t always match up with what their body is doing.

When examining the experiences of women in the study, the same disconnect was observed. Even while it was noted that their willingness to admit arousal may have been affected by social pressures and expectations of moral propriety, the disconnect between body and mind was frequent enough to present a significant trend.

“Similarly, some women show genital responses without reporting any experience of sexual arousal (Chivers & Bailey, 2005) and self-reported sexual arousal is subject to impression management, as in the greater reluctance among women high in sex guilt to report feeling sexually aroused (Morokoff, 1985).”

Returning to Negoski’s research, she goes on to explain that in women, “there will be about a 10 percent overlap between what her genitals are doing and what she dials in as her arousal…In men, genital response and subjective arousal overlap about 50 percent of the time.”

So basically, “The predictive relationship between genital response and subjective experience is between 10 and 50 percent. Which,” she emphasizes, “is an enormous range.”

This disconnect between the physiological and psychological arousal responses is called Arousal Non-Concordance.

The Science of Sex

Photo credit: Mahrael Boutros, via Unsplash

In her aforementioned TedTalk, as well as in her book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Negoski details the neurological processes at work behind ANC. She points to the differences between what she calls our brain’s Liking, Wanting, and Learning systems which, while all being a part of the brain’s Reward Center, play a distinct role.

• Liking System: Is made up of opioid hotspots that help us measure how good or bad a stimulus feels and in what amounts. How much of the stimulus does it take before it feels good or bad?

• Wanting System: This dopaminergic network drives us toward or away from a stimulus. Here, Negoski uses the example of a toddler following us around the kitchen asking for another cookie. They have tried a cookie once and received positive feedback from the Liking System, so now the Wanting System is telling them, “Hey, you should get more of those!”

Note that while theLiking and Wanting systems are related and work well with each other, they are not the same!

• Learning System: Here, you can think of the classic Pavlovian Conditioning system — Bell (trigger), Drool (response), Food (reward). The dog learns to expect food at the sound of the bell so, eventually, the ringing becomes so related to food, that its mouth salivates just by hearing the sound of the bell.

Now, “Does the drool mean the dog wants to eat the bell? Does it mean that the dog finds the bell delicious? …No,” Negoski notes, drawing a distinction between what our bodies reflexively respond to versus our actual desires. Again, the dog’s body has learned to expect food with the sound of the bell, and so it has begun to respond. However, the bell is not what the dog is craving.

This separation between the systems of Liking, Wanting, and Learning provide the framework for understanding Arousal Non-Concordance, which Negoski defines as the, “lack of predictive relationship between your physiological response and your subjective experience of pleasure & desire” which she explains, “Happens in every emotional/motivational system, including sex.”

“[The] Lack of predictive relationship between your physiological response and your subjective experience of pleasure & desire…Happens in every emotional/motivational system, including sex.”

So, while your body may or may not react to stimuli, especially things that are sexually adjacent (our “bells”), it doesn’t mean that your subjective experience of what’s going on agrees. Your body is simply working according to its programming; your mind is what determines what is working for you.

Applying Our Knowledge of ANC

Knowing this, let’s return to the Submissive woman at the beginning of this article. Her body had demonstrably reacted to the physical stimulation it had received. There was an object rubbing against her vulva and clitoris, so it responded with lubrication. Meanwhile, her mind was unstimulated. From the psychological perspective, there was nothing arousing going on to her — she just wasn’t feeling it. So, was the woman turned on? No! Was her body having a reflexive reaction to stimulation? Yes!

And the same goes for instances where psychological arousal is present, but the physiological response is missing or delayed.

Another story in Nagoski’s lecture featured a woman who was fooling around with her partner one night and feeling particularly hot and heavy. “I want you so bad,” she’d said.

But, when her partner had reached down to touch her, they frowned. “No you don’t,” they sighed. “You’re just trying to be nice.” They had felt that the woman was dry and, rather than take her at her word, they’d decided that she was just trying to appease them and wasn’t really into it.

“A person’s reported subjective experience is the only reliable way to tell if they are enjoying themselves during sex.”

The only honest measure of consent and what’s really turning someone on are their words. A person’s reported subjective experience is the only reliable way to tell if they are enjoying themselves during sex. And the same goes for ourselves: listen to your mind, not your body. And when someone shares what they want or don’t want with you, listen.

When Bodies Betray

I must emphasize once more that this non-predictive relationship happens in every emotional-motivational system we experience. Negoski puts it like this: “if you bite into a wormy apple and your mouth waters, then you decide not to eat the nasty apple, nobody says, ‘Well, you say no but your body says yes. You just don’t want to admit you like that nasty apple.’ So, why does this happen so often when it comes to our sexual arousal?”

Negoski and the research reassures us: “Genital response just means it was a sex-related stimulus. Doesn’t mean it was wanted or liked — certainly doesn’t mean it was consented to.”

Your body’s natural, reflexive reactions DO NOT determine or indicate what you want. Do not let people gaslight you with your body, and please do not allow your body to gaslight you.

*TW/CW: non-explicit mentions of sexual assault/rape, SA against minors below. Scroll to the next segment if needed.*

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Photo credit: Jairo Alzalte, via Unsplash

Unfortunately, there have been too many legal cases wherein victims of sexual assault have been dismissed due to signs of physiological arousal responses, such as orgasm. In such cases, the attorneys made sure to conflate these physiological responses with consent — even in cases dealing with assault against minors.

A friend of mine, a cis man, also discussed the confusion and pressure he felt due to his body’s response to unwanted sexual contact.

He told me, “There are many times in the past I wish I would have willed myself to disengage rather than feeling obligated to continue to perform based only on my physical arousal. It’s still hard to think of myself as manipulated into sex, much less as having been raped.” Because his body reacted, even though he didn’t want the advances, he‘d been convinced that he had to have wanted it on some level. Further, his assailant made sure to insist that such was the case.

Of course, as we’ve now learned, that is certainly not the case. For victims and survivors who have experienced reflexive, physiological arousal reactions during their assaults, the psychological impact is astronomical.

“What does that say about me?” “Did I actually want it?” “Why did it feel like that?” They are left with feelings of shame, self-resentment, disgust, and distrust in themselves. Moreover, therapists note that, more often than not, survivors of assault will experience a greater disassociation between their mind and body — even beyond the standard effects of ANC. Even worse, because of the lack of education and awareness surrounding Arousal Non-Concordance, survivors may also find themselves on the receiving end of judgement and skepticism from friends, family, and society, as well as the legal system.

Unfortunately, for many persons out there, these experiences are all too familiar. This is why learning about Arousal Non-Concordance is essential.

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*End of sensitive material*

Knowledge as Power: Reclaiming Our Experience

Photo credit: Alexander Gray, via Unsplash

While I may have titled this article “The ‘Body’s Betrayal,’” what has actually betrayed us is our society’s conventional interpretation of arousal: the myth that misconstrues the physical and psychological as one and the same or always acting in tandem.

It is my earnest hope that awareness about ANC spreads like wildfire and that this knowledge empowers people to speak out and reclaim their pleasure and experiences on their own terms. I also hope this knowledge helps to validate people and show them that there’s nothing wrong with them. I want it to smash though shame and help people cultivate a more intimate, healthy relationship with their bodies and their sex.

If you’re one of those persons who have found relief in learning about Arousal Non-Concordance, please feel free to share any of the resources included in this article — or the article itself — to anyone you feel may benefit from learning about it. Let’s work together to set the story straight so that, in the years to come, we don’t have to wrestle with the effects of misinformation and piss-poor sex education.