Sex Talk 101: How to Get Comfortable Communicating Sexually

Originally Published on Medium.com on October 14, 2022

Photo credit by Crystal Shaw, via Unsplash

Tell me if you’ve been here before:

Picture it — you’re in the middle of getting hot and heavy, when suddenly you hear your partner’s voice interrupting the sweet, steamy reverie you’ve slipped into.

“What do you want me to do to you?” they repeat, and from the heated glaze in their eyes, you can tell that they’re hoping for some dirty talk. Suddenly, you’re caught like a deer in the headlights. What focus you’d been able to put towards your body all at once pulls back into your headspace as your thoughts reel. What do you say? What if it sounds dumb? What if they laugh?

‘What do you want me to do to you?’ Um, do I even know? you wonder in a panic, and before you know it, you’re taken out of the moment and launched into a stressful, sexual stalemate.

A common predicament I find people facing is the inability to talk dirty, or how to ask for what they want during sex —especially in a “sexy” way. If you’re trying to conjure some hot lingo in the middle of your session, this pressure could prove a bit too daunting. Most of what your mind offers up in the moment, if it can come up with anything, can feel awkward, unnatural, or forced. Moreover, the stress of the situation is certain to dampen the mood a bit. Without the ease of familiarity, there is a pressure to preform and the stakes may feel too high, so instead you draw a blank and freeze.

“What do you say? What if it sounds dumb? What if they laugh?”

The most common reason this happens is that you’re just not experienced with using this type of communication, which is perfectly fine! Fortunately, if you’d like to get better at expressing yourself more freely in the bedroom, I’ve created an exercise you can use to help get in some practice outside of the sexual space.

The Asking Game

Photo credit by Renate Vanaga, via Unsplash

The first and most useful thing we can do is to change the context!

Don’t wait to be in the middle of sex to practice. In fact, this exercise should at least begin with no expectation of sexual play whatsoever (now, if you should happen to get turned on during and decide to turn it into a raunchy rendition, by all means, have at it). But by removing the pressure of the sexual context, you don’t have to worry about the ensuing performance anxiety.

Approach this exercise as a simple game with your partner(s). Think of this as an opportunity to have fun and play. There’s no need to impress or “get it right.” In fact, foibles and goof-ups are safe and welcomed here. There’s no expectations and no pressure. Just be yourselves and enjoy!

The rules of the game are simple: First, make sure you’re in a private, intimate space. Now, sitting across from each other, you’re going to take turns asking each other to do something and accepting the request, declining only if it absolutely goes against your boundaries.

See, a lot of our apprehension when it comes to dirty talk, or trying anything new for that matter, comes from the fear of failure and the subsequent lash-backs that may come with it: rejection, humiliation, and ridicule. Thus, it can be incredibly healing to see your requests heard, acknowledged, and acquiesced.

“A lot of our apprehension when it comes to dirty talk, or trying anything new for that matter, comes from the fear of failure and the subsequent lash-backs that may come with it: rejection, humiliation, and ridicule.”

That being said, it’s important during the game not to decline the requests of your partner(s) just because you may feel embarrassed. Another goal of this exercise is to get comfortable being vulnerable in front of your partner(s). The more you can fail in front of them without any harsh repercussions, the safer you’ll feel being yourself and taking risks with them. This exercise is just as much about building trust in your relationships as it is building trust in yourself. So, unless the given task is dangerous or severely trespasses against your personal boundaries, give it a go!

Begin with inane, even silly tasks:

“Can you get me something red?” “Can you do ten jumping jacks for me?” “FETCH ME A SHRUBBERY!”

Then, when you’re ready, you can move to some more intimate asks:

“Please touch my face.” “Scratch my head for a bit?”

Just A Tip: For those wanting to work on more dominant language, you can try switching to the Imperative Mode, where instead of phrasing your requests as a, “Can you…” or “May you…” you shift into the command tense:

“Kiss my feet.”

Try mixing it up. Follow whatever feels right.

Eventually, when you feel comfortable, you may choose to start moving towards sexier requests.

Please, feel free to giggle and get out all of that nervous energy as it comes! Again, have fun! Even if you introduce more sexually charged requests, remember that this is the space to really play with your partner(s) and get out all the jitters; sex is not the star of the show here.

Even if you don’t touch your partner in quite the right way, this is a space where you can ask how they’d like you to do it and have them demonstrate. Give each other feedback and don’t worry about performing for each other. Just be yourselves! If there’s something that someone just can’t seem to get right, be compassionate towards each other and find alternatives to work on that might be more up their alley. Try to keep the emotional atmosphere cheerful and supportive.

You can do this exercise as many times as you need. You don’t have to escalate all the way in the first session. Follow what feels right for you at the time and work your way up to the sexual things at your own pace. Use this as an opportunity to explore your bodies and learn new things as you go.

Again, the point is to start building a foundation of confidence, trust, and safety in expressing yourself so when you take on riskier asks, you’ll feel more at ease. Think of it like lifting some weights and gaining some muscle so you can haul that large package up the stairs. When you get around to lifting it, you might just find that it wasn’t as heavy as you thought it was going to be this time around, and that’s because you put in the prep work!

Ultimately, the hottest thing you could do during sex is unapologetically bask in your pleasure.

Hopefully, this exercise helps move you to an empowered place where you can ask for it by name. Or, at the very least, helps you feel more comfortable navigating sexual communication so the next time they ask, “What do you want me to do to you?”

You’ll be ready.